I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
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me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”