genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
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Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?