Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
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If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.