Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
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{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?