Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
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you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.