No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
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Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
The news in a nutshell.
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
S O O N
the icebreaker
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]