Somewhere in an alternate universe
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Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me