*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
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I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
#winning
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is