God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You Might Also Like
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
When news reporters do sports stories
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something