Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
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Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.