There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
You Might Also Like
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.