Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
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Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Ferrari squats
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.