*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
You Might Also Like
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law