LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
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Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂