Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”