“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Something Saturday.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years