I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
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it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.