I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
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things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting