Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
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Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
What about a To-Don’t List?
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.