My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
You Might Also Like
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
An odd boast
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.