I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
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Is this you?
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers