🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.