I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
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Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
hi why am I like this
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*