For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
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eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Wife: want to have sex?
Me: oh hell yeah.
Toddler: *eye’s snapping open from a dead sleep* not on my watch.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild