Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
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I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Passed by a old school Math example today.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”