Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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I ate everything, including the H.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
JUDGE: how do you plead
ME: Whats the one where you killed a ton of people but you don’t want to tell anyone
JUDGE: not guilty
ME: that one
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
Me too door. Me too.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Hey I worked for it too!
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes