While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
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I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors