My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
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thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!