the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
You Might Also Like
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I’m sorry…what?
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
found my next D&D character name
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no