I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
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What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut