1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?
Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.
Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Breaking news:
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.