Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
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It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.