Stonehinge
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A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas