Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
I have 2 friends that are trying to become models, and I’m just over here with 75 chicken mcnuggets in my cheeks like a squirrel.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
My life in a nutshell
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”