A flock of dads is called a grill.
You Might Also Like
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please