[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
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Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO