Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.