Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
You Might Also Like
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
oh shit
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me, flirting😏
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.