*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
You Might Also Like
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
had to share :’)
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂