As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
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GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Me: do you like piña coladas?
Date: yes
Me: *marking chart*
Human Robot
——————————
|Me: and getting caught in the rain?
Date: not really
Me: *eyes narrow*
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
greetings!
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way