Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
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*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
Finally, a door that understands me
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse