Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
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If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me:
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Happy thanksgiving!
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂