my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
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*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
My inexpensive home security system…
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand