I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.