Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
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I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Human *builds first house*
House fly: finally
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!