[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
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Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Speak now or ever hold your peace
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.