Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
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Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
[walks into restaurant] hello, do you serve chicken?
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door for my chicken friend] perfect
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
The Birdles
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
[Trapped on a Island]
*Message in a bottle*
“Please send help!”*Gets message back, months later*
“Linda invited you to play Candy Crush”
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!