can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
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I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way