me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
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*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
live, laugh, laundry.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
My current situation
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning