Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
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Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Saturday
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.